I'm not by any stretch the world's poster child of volunteering or helping. I know better than anyone else that I can be a bit of a brat in the way that I can take what I have for granted and not think twice about arguing to get my way. And while I will admit to my faults, I can still say that I care enough to forfeit some of my time to help someone less fortunate.

It never really occurred to me how special Thanksgiving is to me until I got older and appreciated my family more, especially this year seeing as it's my first time living away from home. And I guess it also never occurred to me that there are people, and entire families who are unable to celebrate Thanksgiving in the way most of us picture it: the food, the decorations, the atmosphere. Which is why I'm so thankful of my dad for making me help out on Thanksgiving morning, because it's now one of my favorite things.
For the past few years my family and I have gone to our local Salvation Army and helped to prepare meals for people who are less fortunate. We go and deliver the meals, and it shows me just how lucky I am with all that I've been given. These people often times live in homes that are more sheds than houses, or in a building of apartments for people similar to themselves that have no place else they can live. Visiting them and just talking to them for that minute is eye-opening and can be life changing if you allow it to be.
And I'm not saying you have to go to your Salvation Army and do this every Thanksgiving by any stretch of the imagination, but I challenge you to use Thanksgiving as a reason to truly appreciate all the great things you've been given in life. And I really challenge you to not limit it to only on Thanksgiving, but everyday of the year. You should be grateful everyday of the year, because you my friend, have been given so many special things.

I've always been the type of person who's good at giving advice, or making people feel better. Perfect example:

Just mere minutes ago I was trekking back to my dorm room from a long night of playing softball, when I noticed my favorite neighbor in the study room right outside my door. I poked my head in to say hi because he's the sweetest kid ever. And I've had a crush on him for a while, so kill me. But as soon as I walked in it was evident he wasn't his usual self, and had been replaced with a version of him who was sad, quiet, and reserved. He said I wouldn't be able to make him feel better but I knew I could. I brought out my Toy Story stickers and coloring book and it was exactly what he needed. It took his mind off of his current situation, and that's all I could hope to do: make his bad day just a little brighter.

So while I may be anyone else's "go-to" gal for a little pick me up, or to vent to, or to get things rolling with that boy they've had an eye on, I don't have that myself. I'd rather put myself before others. It doesn't mean I'm selfless, it just means I have a heart and care. I'd spend my time trying to make Michael happy instead of studying for my calculus exam in a few days which is the deciding factor on whether or not I'll still be a college girl next year. In a way, it makes me a total push-over because I have a hard time saying no, but I'd rather be a push-over than that person who will put their own selfish needs before a friend.

And that's why I miss home so much. My dad and I argue on almost everything from my living arrangements to next year, to my nose ring, to how I spend money, to my study habits. But the fact of the matter is that he's my dad, and my best friend. He's my rock and  the one that I can rely on to put aside his own opinions and just help me and support me in all that I do. But he's not here right now, and I find that it's hard to reassure myself that I am capable of doing well on this exam so that I can stay here. All I want is to be able to cry to my dad about this petty problem and have him act as though it's worse than a zombie apocalypse and just hold me and tell me it's all going to be okay and he has faith in me. People tell you college is hard, but they don't tell you how emotionally draining it can be.

I think it's maybe why I do this blog. Because sometimes it all just becomes too much to bear, and no one here really seems to care about all the little things like this. I know anyone else would look at me like I'm crazy for crying over something that hasn't even happened yet, but sometimes that's just what it takes: crying and letting it all out, then regrouping and tackling the issue. I don't cry necessarily because I'm sad, but because I'm hung up on something and that's the only sure fire way I know to release my insecurities and move on with my life.

I want a friend to me like I am to them, like my dad is to me. That will know me well enough to know that all it takes is a second to show that you care to assure me that I'm going to be okay, and then it all really will be okay.

I know you're going to doubt me, but I know exactly who I am, and to be honest it shouldn't be hard to believe. I've been alive for 18, nearly 19 years now. And if I'm going to continue to be honest, I think you have a problem if you're unsure of who you are and you're my age or older.

My problem, obviously, isn't that I'm not aware of who I am, because I've known that for the past year or so perfectly well. My problem lies in the fact that I am a people pleaser, and I have been since as long as I can remember. I've always held my tongue in to spare someone's feelings. I've always refrained from pointing out when someone was wrong to avoid embarrassing them or starting an argument. And I've always created different versions of myself around specific people hoping to be widely liked. Wanna know where it got me? Throughout high school I was averagely popular, knew tons of kids from various clique groups, but I often times spend my nights sitting on the couch, watching baseball with my dad. Or football, or basketball depending on the season of course; our off seasons were spent watching old westerns and anything with Clint Eastwood. Getting back on topic, I learned from my 4 years of having my best friend be my dad, that being changing who you are to be liked by as many people as you can gets you nowhere.

So, as a credible source who has 'been there and done that,' I can tell you the importance of just being yourself. And it's hard, I know. Sometimes I still find myself trying to hide certain aspects of myself in hopes of not being cast aside by certain people. But if they're people worth knowing, they're going to love and accept me either way, right? So here are the facts:

I'm currently on academic probation. Maybe it was because I worked until 3am a few nights a week and had 830 class. Maybe it was because I piled on athletic training, calculus, and chemistry classes for my first semester of college. Or maybe it was because I take for granted the fact that I'm naturally kinda smart and use that as a reason to never study.

I use to smoke weed. A decent amount of it too. And while I don't anymore, and always graciously decline if ever offered, it doesn't change the fact that I once did.

I drink alcohol. I've had nights where I honestly can't remember how I got back to my room, and where I drunkenly made out with people and nearly had sex with them. But no, I don't consider myself someone who parties frequently or who's a skank.

If you asked me how many people I've made out with, it might take me a little time to count them. That doesn't necessarily mean it's a situation like,"Well this night I was drunk so it could have been 4 or 7," or "I lost track after 34," but the fact is it's more than just a couple and there are some nights that may have been a little hazy.

I've shoplifted before. I come from a single parent family, and before my mom started paying child support, money was incredibly tight. So if I saw something I wanted or needed and knew my dad wouldn't be able to pay for it, i'd take it if it fit into my purse.

I invite you all to judge me now. To act like you know me because you now know some of the worse facts about me you can find.

The typical college dilemma, what to major in. Let's get this settled right now, my decisions are about as concrete as a 5-year old. I can't decide what I want, ever, and I get set on one thing only to rapidly decide that I'm no longer interested in it for no reason whatsoever. I don't think it's because I'm greedy necessarily, but more so that I want to try everything in hopes of not missing out on something that could be the missing piece to the rest of my life. But anyway,

I've been certain for months that my dream is to be an athletic trainer. I've begun taking the required courses to start my journey on the road to the luxurious life of treating over paid cry babies. Don't get me wrong, I love sports, but I'm not necessarily the biggest fan of the athletes. I guess I came to the realization that while it would be a dream to work with the Boston Red Sox or the Green Bay Packers, I'm not sure if it's exactly for me. The travel, the science classes, the whiny athletes, it doesn't seem like me. Not to mention when I reach the crossroad in my life of being in a happy marriage and wanting children only to realize that I'd be picking between a career and a family, which isn't quite fair.

I think at one point or another we've all questioned whether we're on the right path for us. Maybe you're not a college student debating what you should major in. Maybe you've already reached that professional stage in life and you're not sure if you chose the right career. Maybe you're in a relationship and you thought they were the one, but you've been having second thoughts. Or maybe you're looking out and seeing that your life is falling apart and everything you thought you knew isn't as secure anymore. What I'm getting at is, while I can't really specify for anyone's else's circumstance but my own, I've decided, as concretely as I can, that whether I go back to wanting to be an athletic trainer, or choose to be a teacher, or a doctor, or even a stay at home mom, I'm okay with not knowing right know. Because I have plenty of time, because I'm young, because I'm ambitious, and because while I'm not sure yet, when I do pick what I want to do, I know I'll put my everything into it and love every second of it.

And to think I'll be opening my blogging career with something so bleak as this, a breakup. Or an almost breakup from an almost relationship. Or a relationship that once was that was close to almost again that didn't happen. Regardless, I was left broken on the side of the road like roadkill. But let's back track before I get too carried away with the story.

I was a 17-year old high school senior. Not falling in love for the first time, but for the first time it felt real. His name was Nick and the break up was rough. We had been arguing over everything and nothing at the same time, and while I knew things weren't exactly ideal, I was still in shock to find he had been telling some girl that things were bad between us, and he wanted to end it soon. To say the least, I jumped on that in an instant and ended it myself in hopes of being saved from some heartache, but it hurt all the same.

Flash forward to present day, and though the situation's entirely different, the boy and the feelings are the same. To avoid telling the whole story of the nasty love triangle, he was dating a girl and left her for me after we had spent a night together and realized the feelings were still there. I felt like a home wrecker, like a skank. I hated the girls I saw myself being, the ones who were the cheatees. I'd partaken in something so vial, but I overlooked that, reassuring myself that he had broken up with her for me, it was essentially his choice, and I wasn't going to deny him what he wanted, if I wanted it too. But reality came crashing down hard. His words were 'we still have feelings for each other' and 'I don't want to lead you on' and 'I don't think I gave her and I a fair chance.' He wanted me to wait until he had made a final decision. He had said things were moving so fast and he still wasn't sure what he wanted, and didn't really know what he was doing, but I did. I'd been taking the familiar drive from Omaha to Lincoln on that Sunday night to return back for school, but the drive seemed different. My vision was blurred by the tears that filled my eyes, the radio was almost inaudible though it was blasting through my car, and my heart was aching unbearably. I felt vulnerable and hurt, and with that I told him to fuck off, and how I never wanted to see or talk to him again, and proceeding to delete his number and unfriend him on Facebook.

To say I will miss him is an understatement. I imagine for at least the next year of my life, his words will loom over my head, and with every potential relationship I'll think of him and how he hurt me, and reconsider my actions. But I'll also think of the good times that are forever etched in my memory, that I want to always remember just as much as I want to forget. When we first met, the day I was officially made his girlfriend, the first time I ever had sex, when we danced in his dorm because he couldn't come to my formal, my first night spent with him. All of it.

My roommate Katie tells me I'm strong, and that I'll get through this better than anyone could. I'm not sure if I'd call this strength. But I know that no matter what I want right now, I have to think beyond what I want, and focus more on what's right for me. And though I'm no saint by any stretch, I know I deserve better than what he has to offer me, and I will meet someone who will put me above all others, and care for me more than themselves, and especially more than some other girl. Because this is hard as hell right now, but I'm putting my trust in someone up there who's looking out for me.

An introduction

This isn't just any old blog wherein I post all the scandals and complexities of college life. Well, it sort of it. But I'll attempt to make it quirky and clever, witty and charming, and as entertaining as possible. Note that it's all true, it's all real, and it's entirely my life. So while I can't promise it'll be rated PG or with minimal amounts of profanity, I can promise that it's as legitimate as they come.