The typical college dilemma, what to major in. Let's get this settled right now, my decisions are about as concrete as a 5-year old. I can't decide what I want, ever, and I get set on one thing only to rapidly decide that I'm no longer interested in it for no reason whatsoever. I don't think it's because I'm greedy necessarily, but more so that I want to try everything in hopes of not missing out on something that could be the missing piece to the rest of my life. But anyway,

I've been certain for months that my dream is to be an athletic trainer. I've begun taking the required courses to start my journey on the road to the luxurious life of treating over paid cry babies. Don't get me wrong, I love sports, but I'm not necessarily the biggest fan of the athletes. I guess I came to the realization that while it would be a dream to work with the Boston Red Sox or the Green Bay Packers, I'm not sure if it's exactly for me. The travel, the science classes, the whiny athletes, it doesn't seem like me. Not to mention when I reach the crossroad in my life of being in a happy marriage and wanting children only to realize that I'd be picking between a career and a family, which isn't quite fair.

I think at one point or another we've all questioned whether we're on the right path for us. Maybe you're not a college student debating what you should major in. Maybe you've already reached that professional stage in life and you're not sure if you chose the right career. Maybe you're in a relationship and you thought they were the one, but you've been having second thoughts. Or maybe you're looking out and seeing that your life is falling apart and everything you thought you knew isn't as secure anymore. What I'm getting at is, while I can't really specify for anyone's else's circumstance but my own, I've decided, as concretely as I can, that whether I go back to wanting to be an athletic trainer, or choose to be a teacher, or a doctor, or even a stay at home mom, I'm okay with not knowing right know. Because I have plenty of time, because I'm young, because I'm ambitious, and because while I'm not sure yet, when I do pick what I want to do, I know I'll put my everything into it and love every second of it.

And to think I'll be opening my blogging career with something so bleak as this, a breakup. Or an almost breakup from an almost relationship. Or a relationship that once was that was close to almost again that didn't happen. Regardless, I was left broken on the side of the road like roadkill. But let's back track before I get too carried away with the story.

I was a 17-year old high school senior. Not falling in love for the first time, but for the first time it felt real. His name was Nick and the break up was rough. We had been arguing over everything and nothing at the same time, and while I knew things weren't exactly ideal, I was still in shock to find he had been telling some girl that things were bad between us, and he wanted to end it soon. To say the least, I jumped on that in an instant and ended it myself in hopes of being saved from some heartache, but it hurt all the same.

Flash forward to present day, and though the situation's entirely different, the boy and the feelings are the same. To avoid telling the whole story of the nasty love triangle, he was dating a girl and left her for me after we had spent a night together and realized the feelings were still there. I felt like a home wrecker, like a skank. I hated the girls I saw myself being, the ones who were the cheatees. I'd partaken in something so vial, but I overlooked that, reassuring myself that he had broken up with her for me, it was essentially his choice, and I wasn't going to deny him what he wanted, if I wanted it too. But reality came crashing down hard. His words were 'we still have feelings for each other' and 'I don't want to lead you on' and 'I don't think I gave her and I a fair chance.' He wanted me to wait until he had made a final decision. He had said things were moving so fast and he still wasn't sure what he wanted, and didn't really know what he was doing, but I did. I'd been taking the familiar drive from Omaha to Lincoln on that Sunday night to return back for school, but the drive seemed different. My vision was blurred by the tears that filled my eyes, the radio was almost inaudible though it was blasting through my car, and my heart was aching unbearably. I felt vulnerable and hurt, and with that I told him to fuck off, and how I never wanted to see or talk to him again, and proceeding to delete his number and unfriend him on Facebook.

To say I will miss him is an understatement. I imagine for at least the next year of my life, his words will loom over my head, and with every potential relationship I'll think of him and how he hurt me, and reconsider my actions. But I'll also think of the good times that are forever etched in my memory, that I want to always remember just as much as I want to forget. When we first met, the day I was officially made his girlfriend, the first time I ever had sex, when we danced in his dorm because he couldn't come to my formal, my first night spent with him. All of it.

My roommate Katie tells me I'm strong, and that I'll get through this better than anyone could. I'm not sure if I'd call this strength. But I know that no matter what I want right now, I have to think beyond what I want, and focus more on what's right for me. And though I'm no saint by any stretch, I know I deserve better than what he has to offer me, and I will meet someone who will put me above all others, and care for me more than themselves, and especially more than some other girl. Because this is hard as hell right now, but I'm putting my trust in someone up there who's looking out for me.

An introduction

This isn't just any old blog wherein I post all the scandals and complexities of college life. Well, it sort of it. But I'll attempt to make it quirky and clever, witty and charming, and as entertaining as possible. Note that it's all true, it's all real, and it's entirely my life. So while I can't promise it'll be rated PG or with minimal amounts of profanity, I can promise that it's as legitimate as they come.